It had been 3 months since my maternity ended and I have been working ever since.
Everyday seemed so short to me. I left for work at 6.45am and only home at 7.00pm, leaving me just 2 hours before Nadra’s bedtime. I rushed at everything when I am home be it shower, chores or even dinner, just so I have more time to spare. However, the moment I am done, Nadra is already yawning and wanting to be tucked into bed.
A few weeks ago, Nadra suffered from gastric. Yes, you read right. She threw a protest of not wanting to be fed through a bottle and thus drinking only a few mls of milk. That then resulted to rashes and infection.
I felt disappointed at myself. My role as a mother is to care and look into her needs and yet, here I am busy working. That week was a trying time, she woke up every hourly fussing. She wanted to be carried every time she woke up and just want to be nursed back to sleep. I was sleep-deprived and exhausted.
I was close to losing my cools. I was even closer on wanting to throw the letter.
I questioned myself what is the right thing to do, the repercussion it will have.
Seriously, there is no right or wrong decision. I might not be able to be with Nadra 24/7, however that doesn’t mean I care for her less. I read to her, gives her massage and plays with her, with whatever time I have during the weekdays. Weekends are precious to me and somewhat for her too. When it comes to Friday, she will be at her best behavior and she rather forced herself to stay awake on Saturday and Sunday than to nap (I know it is bad for babies to skip naptime, we are still working on that).
Nadra is getting better now. Her rashes are starting to clear up, her gastric seemed to have recovered. She is, still cluster-feeding and waking up frequently but I am getting the hang of it.
Just in case the exhaustion hits me big time, I still have my maternity and last year annual leaves to clear.