After my fajar prayers, I did not lie down on bed, instead, I decided to organise Irfan’s and Nadra’s wardrobe, setting aside those outgrown clothes. Today is Mother’s day, and a few thoughts went inside my half-awaken brain.
One of it, is motherhood worth it?
Last month, I was faced with the most toughest situation I have ever encountered, Mother’s Guilt.
Lately, Nadra has been throwing tantrums, doesn’t want to bathe, doesn’t want to get ready for childcare, doesn’t want to lend Irfan her old toys which she outgrew, and it usually end up with her having a meltdown lying on the floor. I usually try to reason out with her, talk to her but at times, it just snowballed and caused even bigger meltdown, where she would start kicking and flanging her arms. I would scold her and told her that what she was doing was not acceptable, that she was being unreasonable and naughty. I would leave her alone till she stops crying and would hug her and reason again once she calmed down.
A few weeks ago, we noticed that she started to become sensitive. She would try to hold back her tears when I send her off to school. When I hugged her, she would start crying. Her teachers feedback that they noticed she would cry for no reason and at odd timings too. At night, when I was nursing Irfan, she would try to pry him away and told me that Irfan doesn’t like milk. She would then asked me to hold her in my lap and pat her to sleep instead. We decided to give her out fullest attention during weekend that weekend. There would be always one of us to accompany and play with her, not leaving her to play by herself. That night, before she went to bed, she said “Thank you”. I was very touched but that broke my heart. I felt like we neglected her so much.
A few weeks ago, after her evening shower, she did not want to put on her pants. She was kicking away so I just let her be, without pants. We had our dinner as per normal and she suddenly asked me for her pants, looked into my eyes and asked “I am a good girl? I am not naughty right Ummi? because I didn’t cry”. My heart was not able to take it and I cried after she was asleep.
The heartache that leads to parental dilemma and self-doubts of “Am I a good mum? Am I doing the right thing? What am I doing wrong?”
As I looked at both of my kids sleeping peacefully, I realised motherhood is not easy. However, nothing beats having pure, unconditional love from your kids and allowing your heart to be open to another little being, who can bring you so much happiness.
I need to learn to embrace imperfection, and focus on what I love being a mum, even if meant giving up the last piece of cake , cause your child loves it.
Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers, because it is worth it!